As I lie here in bed, thinking of you, listening to you opposite me, separated only by curtains I cannot help but wonder what could have been.
Your anger is more and more transparent each day that you close yourself to me. I know you are aware of the letter I recently sent Lisbon. I did not mean to hurt you, cheat on you or make you feel less than you are. You are so much, but so much to so many and now what are you to me?
This is not goodbye, it’s just a see you later. You know I cannot be away for too long. However I hope you understand why I am leaving, it was not entirely my decision, you pushed me away. You have closed yourself off – literally.
I feel you are this big circular platform we all stand on, some of us are closer to the centre, some are too far from it, balancing on the edge. This platform stands on a single thin pole which often trembles. As in the arms of a scale you balance up and down, side to side, us closer to the borders fall off and only the strongest are able to later try to stand on you again. You are too unstable, chaotic, temperamental, uninterested however never uninteresting, superficial, careless, reckless, indifferent – very indifferent, to me.
You make me feel big while at times so small. When I press my heels heavily on you have you ever stopped to realise it’s me? That I am here, that I exist and am trying to call you out?
You don’t care, do you?
I don’t mind, usually I love you enough for both of us. Nevertheless, right now I am needing some attention and support you are not able to provide. I need some space. We need some space. Once we see each other again, I know I’ll fall back in love with you, so hopelessly and deeply, you just need to allow me time. As it goes by and the gap broadens the love that will fill that emptiness will only be more – trust me, we need this.
You can be too much and also, at times, not enough.
I am not going back to her, at least not definitely. I just need some shelter and to feel like I belong somewhere that belongs to me too. We need to grow up apart, so that more maturely later on we can be enough and the right amount for one and other.
Will you take me back when the time comes?
P. S. – I hope you’ll take me back to a wooden floor apartment with big windows in Notting Hill, just fyi. Hope we can still be friends in the meantime.